Seemingly Innocent Words and Phrases That Can Also Be Used for Evil

Now What Do You Do?

Now What Do You Do?

Okay. We just laid waste to your personal lives. We admit it. If all the women in this book listened tothese answers, there would right now be a fresh crop of newly single women out there.

Therefore, it seems like it’s our duty to discuss what one must do after the breakup.

We’re not psychiatrists or very girly (particularly Liz), so we’re not going to talk about candles and bubble baths and sending yourself flowers. But I think we could ask you to at least try to notice, even just a tiny bit, how good it feels to be out of a relationship with someone who actually wasn’t that into you.

Can you at least feel that sense of relief? When you think about it, making all those excuses for someone and trying to “figure someone out” takes up a lot of energy. Think of all the time you’ve opened up for so many other more positive things besides obsessing over him. Yes, breakups are painful, even from someone you may have only dated a few times. You may have been really excited about him and had a lot of hopes for the future. But how empowering to have the mental clarity to say, “He just wasn’t that into me.” Can you imagine that girl in the future?

Nothing will be able to stop her!

Now, there’s a million things you can do after a breakup; what you do during that time—yoga,

affirmation tapes, murder—is your business. But basically you’re going to have to feel the pain, you’re going to have to go through it, and then you’re going to have to get over it. All we can try to do in this book is help you do it differently in the future. The first thing we’re going to recommend is setting some standards.

Reset Your Standards

Sure, you say, “But I have standards.” Well, your standards led you to this book, so let’s raise them.

Let’s set a dignified bar for you to exist at. Let’s put you in charge with how it’s going to go next time. (But you ask, “What if there isn’t going to be a next time?” And we say, “Stow that bad-news cargo onthe sure-to-sink ship. Because that ship is about to hit Sad Island and we don’t want you on it.”)

A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won’t tolerate. You get to decide how it’s going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have. Write your new standards down so you’ll never ever forget them, no matter how cute he is or how long it’s been since you’ve had sex. (Okay, we admit it, some of our workbook things were a little silly, but this one we mean.) Make sure you know what you stand for and what you believe in.

And because we obviously think we know better than you (we got a book deal, didn’t we?), we’re going to give you some standard suggestions.

Standard Suggestions

I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.

I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.

I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.

I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.

I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.

I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future.

I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.

I will not date a man who is married.

I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

Now it’s your turn. Only you know the standards you haven’t set for yourself. Write them down. Don’t forget them.

MY SUPER-HELPFUL STANDARDS THAT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET OR FORSAKE NO

MATTER HOW HOT I THINK HE IS:

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10.

If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak

If You Really Love Someone, You Want to Do

Things to Make That Person Happy

“He’s got so much good in him. He really does. I just wish he wouldn’t tell me to shut up all the time.”Yeah, that’s a problem. Try not to ignore it. I know “he’s got so many other great qualities.” That’s why He’sJustNotThatIntoYou you fell in love with him in the first place. I know you wouldn’t fall in love with an asshole. But here’s the trick:

Forget about him and his good qualities. Even forget about his bad ones. Forget about all his

excuses and what he promises. Ask yourself one question only: Is he making you happy? People are complicated. They are a mixed bag of lovable and dysfunctional qualities. That’s why they are so darn confusing. That’s why trying to figure them out is a waste of time. Is he making you happy? I don’t mean some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, “but the good still outweighs the bad.” Does he make it clear in his actions every day that your happiness is important to him? If the answer is no, cut him loose and go find a man with a higher “good count.”

//credit to Greg and Liz the author of He's Just Not That Into You

He disappears..

Sometimes You Have to Get Closure All by Yourself

He’s gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well, there’s no mixed message here. He’s made it clear that he’s so not into you that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it. This time you may not be so quick to make excuses for his behavior. It’s so painful, it’s impossible not to be hurt or angry.

But because of that, you might be tempted to make some excuses for yourself. You have good reason to want to spend a lot of energy solving the Mystery of the Disappearing Man. But all those excuses, however valid they are, will not help you in the long run. Because the only part of that story that’s important to remember is that he didn’t want to be with you anymore. And he didn’t have the guts to tell you that to your face. Case closed.

Sometimes a person’s behavior is so abhorrent that it leaves little doubt as to what to do. The big mistake you made was choosing that person to begin with. The quickest way to rectify that mistake is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future. And quick, before any more of your precious time is wasted.

It’s So Simple

The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you lovedhad probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing. Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone.

Hallelujah. See ya in the funny papers, yellow-belly!

Oh, for Pete’s sake. This one is impossible. He disappeared. He just stopped calling you or writing you or seeing you out of the blue. You were in what you considered some sort of “relationship.”

You felt that whatever you had together warranted even the tiniest explanation if one of you decided to call it quits.But instead, there’s silence. No explanation, no good-bye. Just a vanishing. There’s nothing worse, indating terms, nothing worse, than that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when it looks likethe guy you were seeing or getting to know has decided to bail on you instead of talking to you about it.

Nothing worse.

So first you feel hurt. But then you feel helpless, completely and totally helpless. He just disappeared,making you feel like you had absolutely no value or meaning to him whatsoever.And you might be shocked, too. He might not have ever behaved this way before. So now you’re also unbelievably disappointed. “Really? Now I have to not like him? Now I have to think he’s a jerk?

That’s what this relationship added up to? There’s got to be some kind of reasonable explanation.” So then you start giving this great guy a big heap of your time and energy, making up excuses for why he’s disappeared (he’s busy, he’s busy…and maybe he’s busy), still hoping that he will come to his senses and at least drop you an e-mail.

You then start going through everything you said, did, or wrote that might have driven him away. What was the thing you said that was so inappropriate or needy, that he had no other

recourse than to head for the hills? You blame yourself for some perceived strategic misstep.

“Oh, if only I had played it better! He would still be mine!” Or simply, you’re worried that he’s dead on the street somewhere. Why else would he just disappear like that?

So then, you want to call him and say something. Or write him. You’re either angry or hurt, or still holding out hope that’s he’s in a coma at a hospital somewhere. But however you feel, you definitely think it is your right to either yell at him or find out what happened. What’s worse than not knowing?

Nothing. Except maybe not getting to tell him off.

Greg would say that the best revenge in this situation is not anger, but emotional distance, as quickly as possible. Greg would say that we have the answer. He didn’t want to stick around, and wasn’t man enough to tell us to our face. Isn’t that answer enough? That’s when I would say to Greg, “No, actually it’s not. That answer’s definitely not good enough. I want to know why.” And then Greg would say, “Really? Are you sure? Do you really need him to detail every last reason why he didn’t feel like seeing you ever again?”

I hate Greg.

Breakups are horrible. But to me, what’s truly devastating is to feel like you weren’t even worth a breakup. Again, it’s natural to want to do something about that. Greg just wants that “something” to be about moving on, as opposed to looking back. Not having closure is one of the most difficult things for me (and many people) to live with, so I know why it might be impossible not to call the cad.

But I guess Greg would lecture you again (he’s such a know-it-all), and say that before you make that phone call or write that e-mail, you should at least play it out in your head. Will it really make you feel better?

Do you think it will really change the way he feels about what he did, or you? Is it the only thing you can think of that will help you move on? If it is, then I say to hell with Greg—give the guy a call. But I guess the hope is (for me, at least) that when a guy no longer wants to communicate with me, and doesn’t have the manners or courage to tell me that to my face, he’s given me all the information I need.

It’s the toughestone of all to put into practice. But I definitely like the kind of girl who could do it. Good luck to us all!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG

100% of men polled who had “disappeared” on a woman said that at the time they were completely aware of what a horrible thing they were doing, and no woman calling them up and talking to them would have changed that.

What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter

l He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.

l No answer is your answer.

l Don’t give him the chance to reject you again.

l Let his mother yell at him. You’re too busy.

l There’s no mystery—he’s gone and he wasn’t good enough for you.

//credit to he's just not that into you

Orang IT?

1203: Masih berbual secara maya dengan seorang ni.selepas hampir tiga jam. Nama dia pun tidak ku ketahuan. Baru nak tanya, oh bermula dengan huruf "F"

Kelakar jugak dia ni. Selamani aku memang "invi" supaya dia tidak menegur aku. Jenuh pula nak melayan, ala lagipun aku setia dengan si polan yang enam tahun tu. Sekarang aku visible pada dia dan invi pada Y, rajin pulak F ni. Tapi bolehla buat aku tersenyum walaupun sekali sekala teringat juga pada Y. Nampak dia tadi, tapi tiada keberanian memunculkan diri, bimbang dia akan terus "hilang" dan mengguris hatiku lagi.

1209: Lagu Agnes Monica "Teruskan" kedengaran. Pantang mendengar lagu ni, tak boleh tidak aku terbayang pada Y. Pernah kah kau tak bersalah, tapi disalahkan? Ku hidup dengan siapa.. Ku tak tahu kau siapa.. Kau kekasihku tapi orang lain bagi ku. Kau dengan dunia mu saja, Kau dengan dirimu saja.. Teruskanlah.. Teruskanlah.. Teruskan Begitu. Betulkan? Apa dia peduli untuk letak telefon sejurus Bye, untuk menjawab acuh tak acuh bila ditanya. Untuk mendiamkan diri membatu membuat hal sendiri. Untuk menaip, "Whatever" bila meluahkan sesuatu.

1215: dah lewat sungguh. F ni orang IT juga rupanya. Hmm.. is it a coincidence? Mengantuk sudah.. To Y, goodnight. U dah kerja ke? Jarang online lewat malam dah. Atau you nak berjaga tgk match nanti?

Updated, silap bangat aku menegur Y, nah dia terus offline dan invisible untuk selama-lamanya. Aku seperti hantukah? dan F... aku menginvisiblekan diriku pada dia. Apa memang betul, aku buat orang, orang buat aku.. Adakah hubungan perasaan memang sekompleks ini?

Not Happen Again!

Semalam berbuat sesuatu yang aku sedkit kesal.

Why? Selama ni aku boleh tahan tengok status dia online, then all of sudden malam tadi aku gagal. Aku buzz dia and he ran away like a coward tiny mouse, changed his status invisible (though tulis that he's offline..)

Whats wrong with me? Belum cukup 60 hari. Lupakan! Lupakan! Kuatkan hati. Tabah.

Tapi the relief of all these is, aku tau this time super duper sure that he's a jerk! Big Time!

In Malay the word is PoYo. Well its part of his name afterall kan? ;)

Bagusnya aku dah rasa benci tahap tenuk dekat dia. Tak perlu lagi berbuat baik dekat orang macamni. Ironically nya, untuk orang yang "loser" macam dia, aku should be gladful. The cold, icy hearted guy, its hard to tag along. Not even for the sake of friendship can make him think wisely.

Pity him..

Tiba-tiba rasa diri bebas sepenuhnya. Bebas dari belenggu memaafkan orang dan sentiasa beri dia excuse for his actions, bebas untuk membuka ruang untuk yang lain.